Recently I interviewed Zoe Kennell, a teacher and somatic movement educator, about her experience of using somatics to support her through a particularly gruelling three years with a new head teacher.  So here is the very first Recover Your Balance podcast.

Zoe has published a research paper about her experience of Somatics, and you can find it by clicking here. And you can download Zoe’s recommended reading list by clicking the download button below.

Click to listen to the podcast in ITunes.

Yes but… But you said…

Bear with me.

All this came to a head last week, when I guested again on our local community radio station, Vectis Radio. They’re a great bunch of radio professionals who run some fantastic community projects. The flyer for the recorded programme says “Ann Lewis is back giving out advice…”  Oh dear, oh dear, Ms Expert-for-the-Day to the rescue!

I had a sort of Groundhog Day with that phone-in. The subject was bullying, especially workplace bullying. We’ve been there before.  We had two callers. They called last time too, and deserve thanks for doing so. Most contributors filtered themselves through Facebook, so that their voices weren’t heard and the presenter, Ian Mac, could exclude their surnames when he read out their comments. People who are the target of bullies don’t want to risk being recognised, and people who don’t understand think I’m preying on the vulnerable (ouch!).

And here’s the thing.  I realise I don’t want to talk about bullying. To focus on the problem is to miss the point. There are plenty of people out there who are experts on workplace bullying (see last week’s post on the wonderful Eva James’ new book).  Recover Your Balance, and its sister project, Your Great Workplace, are about creating the conditions for personal and organisational flourishing, the exact anthithesis of the bullying culture. THAT’s what we need to talk about.

3000 years of wellbeing…

Wellbeing is hard to define – we’ve been trying since the ancient Greek philosophers first had a go. I’m currently reading the latest book from Belgian psychotherapist and former urology surgeon Thierry Janssen. Le Défi Positif is the third book in a trilogy in which he explores our approaches to illness, healing and wellbeing. In it he starts by exploring the history and philosophy of wellbeing, up to and including the work of Martin Seligman and the Positive Psychology movement.

It’s clear that wellbeing eludes scientific exploration in large part because it is a subjective experience. My wellbeing and yours may be quite different. Janssen’s latest book is only available in French right now, but the first in the trilogy, The Solution Lies Within (La Solution Intérieure), first published in 2006, is available in English. I’ve been recommending it to Recover Your Balance readers, because it talks so elegantly about the importance of our inner response to illness as a factor in our ability to heal.

Seligman, meanwhile, has redefined his view of wellbeing as a result of years of painstaking research and fieldwork. In his latest book, Flourish – a new understanding of happiness and wellbeing, he reframes the topic of positive psychology away from happiness alone, measured by life satisfaction and towards wellbeing, measured by flourishing. The expanded theory removes the link between ‘happiness’ and cheerful mood, and includes those elements that people choose “for their own sake” as contributing to their personal happiness, satisfaction and wellbeing. Here he is at the RSA in London last year.

Let’s ditch the labels

Radio 4′s Today Programme gave air time this morning to Richard Dawkins, talking about an Ipsos-MORI survey commissioned by his organisation, and exploring the beliefs of people who defined themselves as Christian in the UK’s 2011 Census. Dawkins concludes that many can’t be Christian because they don’t go to church or believe in the tenets of their ‘chosen’ religion. Giles Fraser, former Canon Chancellor of St Paul’s Cathedral in London thought Dawkins was unfair to ‘trump people’s self-identification’, and hated the ‘culture wars’ engendered by the wider discussion. The bottom line, of course, is about the UK’s identification as a Christian country, and whether religion should be an integral part of public life.

Just as we like to put people into boxes according to religion, diet, health, illness, ethnicity, gender and so-on, so we feel the need to define what those boxes should mean for the individuals in them. This leads to all manner of shoulds and oughts, the accumulation of which can leave people trying to be the label rather than the authentic human being that they are. We really can’t begin to find what we need in order to flourish, until we stop letting everyone from Richard Dawkins to the fitness police call the tune.

So here’s the point

When you’re off balance as a result of workplace bullying or anything else, what matters is that you take responsibility for your own state of mind and your own future.  Often we can’t change our circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.  And we can examine and map what we need in order to recover our wellbeing and to flourish again. That’s what Recover Your Balance  is there to support.

I’m happy to gather and share resources that specifically address particular problems, and we will be developing Recover Your Balance – online to support specific issues over the coming months. But our focus here is on helping you discover, define and restore your personal wellbeing and resilience.

We’re getting out of the bullying box from now on.

There are now great online sources of help for targets of bullying, ranging from e-bosswatch and reallybadboss.com to the Workplace Bullying Institute. All work to minimise workplace bullying through modelling and advising on good management practice, and by exposing the worst cases.

In the UK, the inimitable Eva James has been blogging about her own excruciating experiences since October 2009.  Eva was the target of an especially nasty bout of psychological bullying, which she endured for over a year. The blog makes toe-curling reading (how on earth can people behave like that?), but it doesn’t stop when Eva escapes.  We find out what happened next, and it’s well worth reading on.

You see, Eva is a fighter. She’s not about to be permanently floored, and she is determined to make something positive and valuable of her time with her tormentor, Howard.  She has now produced a well-researched book for anyone who is suffering bullying at work.  As well as documenting her own experience, the book offers solid advice about how (and how not) to deal with bullying if you’re unfortunate enough to experience it. I’ve read it, and I recommend it.  You can get it on Amazon.

I had my first piano lesson this week. My teacher is perfect for me. I’ve plonked around on our piano at home for a long time, and since I’ve sung in a choir, I’ve used it frequently to pick out my part in new songs. But I’ve never been able to play with both hands, and increasingly, I’ve wanted to learn.

A couple of weeks ago, I tried, again, to play a simple piece that I’ve toyed with, on and off, for several years.  Frustratingly, I still couldn’t do the left hand and the right hand together. ‘I’m definitely going to find a teacher’ I said to my husband.  But not just any teacher. One who can start from where I am, take me back to where I need to start and go from there.

The very next morning (really) I logged into TweetDeck. There among my new followers was a piano teacher who lives five miles from me on the Isle of Wight. I checked out her website (she uses our lovely piano tuner), ‘chatted’ with her on Twitter and email and my first lesson was soon in the diary. On the day, she quickly established what I know, understood what I wanted and set me to work doing things from scratch and properly.  I’m now playing my first little two-handed piece.

Knowing what you want

When the level of negative events in life overtakes the positive in our minds, it can be a bit difficult to see how to move on. That’s why Recover Your Balance starts from what you want to be different. I’ve seen so many people, in the midst of huge stress, redundancy, derailed careers or workplace bullying, who don’t know where to start.  My first question is “what exactly do you want to be different?” Answering that question moves you towards the possibility of change.

Things can really move quite fast when you make a commitment to change your circumstances. Allowing the possibility of creating a better situation completely lifts your spirits, and reduces the pressure of negative emotions on your body, mind and spirit. The mind-shift you experience can feel like a sudden ray of sunlight on a wet day. This ‘sunlight moment’ may be triggered by a specific event which wakes you up to the possibility of a different future, or it may come gradually. Ideally it will be something that begins to restore your sense of proportion.

Helping the Universe

I’m currently reading Mike Dooley’s new book, Leveraging the Universe. Mike has been much misrepresented after he appeared on the best selling video, The Secret. He doesn’t advocate sitting at home dreaming and waiting for miracles.  He’s very clear that you need to know what you want, visualise it in as much detail as you can, and then ACT. By act, he means start from where you are and take baby steps towards what you want.  When you act, he says, the Universe helps.

Now you will have your own beliefs about how change happens. I hold up my piano teacher as one example among many of what can happen when you’re clear and prepared to act. You judge.

Making a start

If these sorts of creative activity don’t appeal, find a way that does work for you. This might be writing a list of bullet points on a sheet of paper, creating goals, making a plan or drawing a Mind Map™[3]. Do whatever seems right for you personally.

Time to take that first baby step.

Take responsibility

Although you may not be able directly to change what’s happening, you can take charge of your response to it.  If you sink into a victim mentality, you end up blaming others and looking for someone to rescue you.

When you take charge, you recover your power to influence and manage your own life, and you’re in a better position to move on effectively, on your own terms.

Tune in to your health

Signs that things are getting out of hand include chronic tiredness, being susceptible to every virus doing the rounds, anxiety, depression and general lack of energy. Take notice of any health issues that have started recently, or that are made worse by your work situation. Visit your GP if you need to.

Learn to centre your energy

Notice your body. Take some deep breaths, right down into your abdomen.

Now stand or sit in balance, feet shoulder width apart, shoulders balanced and neck straight.  Scan your body and notice any points of tension.  Consciously relax them.

Take another breath. Remind yourself of what matters to you and aim to keep it more in focus. Do this as often as you can, and especially when you feel stressed.[i]

Get clear about what you want to be different

Answer these three questions:

If your working life was as good as you’d like, what would be different? What one thing would make the most difference?  How can you bring that into your working life?

Make a plan

Now you know what you want to be different, create a plan for bringing about the change you want. Do you need to talk to HR? Have a conversation with your boss? Negotiate a more manageable workload? Look for a new job?

Take your top two or three actions, set yourself a time to do them, and go for it.

Get help

As you decide to move on from what’s distressing you, it will help to find someone to cheer you along.  A coach, a mentor, a good friend or colleague who can see the bigger picture, all will be valuable.

Getting specific help with your transition back to the working life you want will help prevent your dumping the same stories on your family day after day, preventing the damage that can result from taking problems home.

Find a mantra or saying that will keep you on track.

For example: ‘I am worthy of as much respect as everyone else. I respect myself’. Or (from a client) ‘It’s only a thought and I can change it’. Make it something that really chimes for you.

That’s a bit strong…

I don’t think so. In Recover Your Balance – how to bounce back from bad times at work, I examine the damaging effects of chronic or repeated fear and distress.  One frequent consequence is a constant feeling of anxiety. There is a huge amount of research about the chain reactions which anxiety and fear set up in the body.

Anxiety triggers the release of adrenaline, which in turn triggers the release of cortisol, used by the body for healing when you’ve injured yourself. That’s fine if you’re dealing with a one-off incident (e.g. getting out of the path of a moving truck). However, the continuous release of cortisol increases stress in the body and, long term, that’s bad news.

Although stress is not necessarily a primary cause of illness, research[1] shows that it does exacerbate our existing tendency towards such chronic health problems as cardiovascular disease, digestive problems, bone problems such as osteoporosis, and late-onset diabetes.

Yes, but bullying?

Defining bullying isn’t always easy. One person’s bully may be another’s strong manager. I find the Workplace Bullying Institute’s definition helpful here. It describes bullying as “repeated…behaviours that are threatening, intimidating or humiliating.” (See “the Bully at Work” by Gary and Ruth Namie.)

Being uplifted by others’ experience

My Twitter friend and colleague Marion Chapsal is having her own big challenges at the moment.  Marion has a deep humanity that enables her to reach for what is healing and affirming about life, even at its toughest.

Her blog post, Silly Things that Help During Crises speaks for itself. I’d like to share it with you, because if you are feeling challenged by your working life, I think you’ll find something to inspire you.

What do you appreciate in your life?

Now you’ve read Marion’s post, think about your own special things. Here’s a little exercise from Recover Your Balance.:

When we’re off balance, it shows, even though we may be unaware of how we’re coming across. I’ve experienced clients saying they responded calmly to a situation, while their colleagues report observing a very strong negative reaction from them.  It really does help to become self-aware.

So I went to Brighton last week. No this isn’t a holiday story. I spent a hugely enjoyable and informative day in the company of three other coaches on a workshop with Mark Walsh of Integration Training, whose guest post and video about centring you may remember. This particular workshop was based on the work of Paul Linden of Being in Movement, and was rooted in Dr. Linden’s work with trauma survivors among others.

Grounded techniques and practices

We came back to centring several times during the day. Mark strives to provide a wholly somatic (body-based), subtly nuanced explanation of stress and its antidotes. Of centring, he says: “People all over the world  have all found it found useful – it simply improves whatever they do – and is regularly assessed as the best “quick win” on leadership, time management and stress management courses. I am aware that to say something improves ANY activity is a big claim so I invite you to test it for yourselves with any measurables you can muster.”

‘Don’t believe me, try it’ was akin to a mantra throughout the day.

The Body and Leadership

Now Mark is writing a new book, ‘The Body and Leadership‘, and is serialising it on his blog. The latest chapter expands on the concept of centring.  Mark says, “I first came across centring in the martial arts – in the pressure of confrontation being uncentred – off-balance and tense physically, mentally and emotionally – is a recipe for disaster. Since then I have taught centring everywhere from war-zones, to classrooms to boardrooms with people of many occupations on five continents.”

The parallels between his description of three responses to stress and that of Patsy Rodenburg in her book ‘Presence’ (‘The Second Circle’ in the US) are striking. There’s a brief description in an earlier post, together with a video of Rodenburg talking about her work with actors.

Mark and I have different views about the value of the concept of energy as a way of understanding human responses to stress, but I have no doubt that his somatic approach is rigorous, highly researched and deeply experienced.  I shall be back for more.

Their  circumstances were very different, but one thing stood out especially for me:  all of them said “Get help”.  Two of them had, and one hadn’t.  The lady who had struggled on alone through some particularly horrendous bullying is still carrying the scars several years later.  Getting help really can support you to get through the experience and take control of your life again far more quickly than going it alone.  I know – it took me three years.

Get some help

If you’re struggling through difficult times at work, I’d very much recommend that you find a supporter. Choose someone neutral – a mentor, a coach or someone else uninvolved, whom you trust. By using a supporter, you will have someone who can help you get events into perspective at a time when it is easy to over-react to everything that happens.

Karen, a client and contributor to Recover Your Balance remembers: “I was bullied (I realized later), but was told I was a bully. In the middle of it I felt literally sick (great weight loss programme as I could barely eat!). I have always opposed bullying and felt completely knocked off balance – I had always tried to put people at the centre of my actions. The very strong feelings lasted until I got my coach on board and then I began to be able to see what was happening. The feelings were still strong as I was hit with wave after wave of false accusations about my work quality, etc. It wasn’t until I left the situation that I was able to regain my balance.”

One of my coaching clients had made a major mistake at work many years earlier and had kept his feelings to himself. He was still allowing his error to limit his career choices, believing he could not trust himself. It was only when I asked him what he had achieved in the interim, what he had learned, and whether such a mistake had ever happened again that he realised that his pessimism was out of proportion, and that he had more options than he had allowed himself to consider.

When you are in the middle of painful experiences deep-seated emotions are stirred, and it is often difficult to see what is really going on. Your relationship to power (your own and that of others over you) can become distorted as you draw your energy inwards, or are panicked into pushing against the situation. I can remember being suspicious of everyone and trusting nobody. Like Karen, I often felt sick. You may have feelings of guilt and worthlessness, or a fear that you may not recover and that you may not be employable again.

When you are stressed it is likely that you will go home and dump your negative feelings on the same person every night. As you walk through the door, they may be thinking with a sinking feeling, ‘what’s coming now?’ By choosing to work with a supporter outside your home environment you will prevent that toxic energy polluting your home and your relationship. Your bonds with friends and family will suffer less strain than they would if you were making them your only source of support.

Moving on

Part of getting your balance back is about achieving some closure with the difficulties you’ve suffered. One of our callers found some relief only when they discovered that all the people who had bullied them were dead. Another found a way through by being clear about their values, and how they were being compromised by staying in a situation that felt wrong.

I was particularly cheered by the caller who didn’t want to waste any more negative energy on the people who had hurt her. She said ‘I can support ten people while I am pouring negativity onto my former employer.’

Choosing to put your energy into positive and affirming things is a sign that you’re back in charge.  And you’ll do it quicker when you realise you’re not alone and get some help.

This week I’ve been treated to two extremes.  But that’s not where I’m going to start.

Customer love

My gold standard for a great service ethos is my good friend Heather Barrie of Harries Food.  Commuters from lovely Arundel in Sussex, England will know Harries, because Heather runs the coffee stall on the station each morning.  And she just loves her customers.

The stories are many, and the verdict seems unanimous – she’s brilliant. She will bend over backwards to give harrassed travellers a good send-off. Her biggest concern as she grows?  Finding staff who will love her customers as much as she does.

‘Sorry we’re too busy to answer the phone…’

At the opposite end of the service scale this weekend was Interflora. My Mum is in a care home 5 hours’ from me.  I ordered flowers for Mothers’ Day to be delivered to my Dad’s house on Saturday so that I could take them to her before driving home on Sunday. Normally I call the florist directly, but I no longer know one florist from another in my birth town, so I took what I thought was the easy way out and ordered online. Wrong decision.

At 05.48 on Saturday, I received an email telling me the flowers were on their way as requested. At 10.58, another email informed me that they would not now be delivering them until Sunday.  No explanation, just a refund of the carriage and the offer of a discount on the next order. They had let me down at an important moment.

I naively tried calling the number in the email.  Maybe I could get the flowers re-routed to the care home? Nope. A recorded message informed me that they could not make any changes to Mothers’ Day orders (even though they just did!) and they were too busy to answer my call. I replied to the email indicating that the new arrangement was unacceptable and why.  I received an automated acknowledgment.

There was nothing for it. I went into town and bought a new bouquet for Mum so that I had flowers to take to her.  She hardly knew, but that’s not the point. She had flowers. From me.  In person.

On Sunday, I drove home.  The Interflora flowers were finally delivered just as I arrived back in Southampton.

On Monday, I received an email from Interflora.  It informed me that the flowers had been delivered on 3rd April at 12.42, and that a signature had been obtained.  No acknowledgement of my complaint.  I replied immediately pointing this out.  I am still waiting for a response.  Interflora?  Hello?

‘We promise we’ll keep you updated…’

Now for the other extreme. If you read my last post, you’ll know that I dropped my mp3 player down the loo in the middle of the night. It took a long time to dry out.  So long that my other half revised his opinion about its survival chances and I ordered a new one.

The new player was promptly shipped from China. Four days in, it was flagged up by the courier, FedEx, as being stranded in Chinese Customs, labeled a possible ‘hazardous item’.

Oh what a different experience. I called the number on the tracking email.  The woman who answered knew her business, and quickly established that this could take a while.  ‘We’ll call you when we know what’s happening’, she promised.  And they did. Twice.  Once to say they still weren’t sure when it would be free, and then to say it was on its way, what its route would be, and when it was likely to arrive.

Both callers gave their names, both were confident and both sounded as though they enjoyed what they were doing. They were brilliant.  I know it’s at Stansted now, and I am pretty sure it will turn up tomorrow.

And my point is…?

A few years back, I worked with another of my favourite clients, FrontLine Telephone Answering Services.  They wanted both to establish a great service for their customers and an inclusive and supportive workplace for their staff.  You can get the case study describing how they did it here.  My point is this:  it takes a huge amount of focused, intentional work to create great customer service, and it takes authentic, confident staff buy-in to keep the show on the road. And if you put in the work, the business stands a good chance of growing.

I’ve been in organisations that understood this, and I’ve been in ones that didn’t.  I don’t know how things are at Interflora, or at FedEx, but I do know that when you have miserable customer service, it is often delivered by miserable staff. And vice-versa.

So FedEx – well done and thank you.  And no, Interflora, I will not be taking you up on your offer of a discount on my next order, because I shall never, ever give you an order again. Why?  Because Mothers’ Day is not always a jolly time, you let me down, and I don’t believe you care.