I’m delighted to welcome Dorothy Dalton to Recover Your Balance. Dorothy is Partner at Hansar Transition Services, an international executive search professional, a certified coach and trainer (direct & online), Motivator, resilience and confidence builder. She’s also a Beginner Golfer, avid reader, tennis fan and Life student.
Here Dorothy reflects on her study of workplace bullying by women, its implications for those in the firing line, and what targets can do both for themselves and for others.
Move on from bullying: Leave a Legacy!
In my research for my series on the bullying of women in the work place by women, I was contacted by a huge number of women and somewhat surprisingly men too. Most of this communication was private.
Two messages
This sent me two messages: the first was that bullying is still a shame based experience leaving many unable to openly admit that it had happened. The other was that individuals who had been targets, even years later, went to considerable lengths not only to protect the identity of the perpetrators, but also the organisations where they worked. In many cases little or nothing had been done to support them. In essence, the bullied had become part of an enabling process which allowed repeat offenders to continue abusive behaviour.
Could I say they these victims had moved on? No not really.
Many had simply resigned and left organisational life to become corporate refugees by working freelance or starting their own business. Some went on to be bullied in subsequent jobs. Others had abandoned their careers totally. Most were scarred, still bewildered and angry. Many had had such horrific experiences, which in my naivety I had previously only associated with movie story lines.
Constructive Communication
Premeditated sabotage strategies aside, on a daily basis many accused bullies (especially women) have no idea that their behaviour is perceived as « bullying « and are quite shocked or even distressed when finally challenged. So it seems that the bullying process can be viewed as a breakdown, or absence of, constructive communication, with each party needing to assume responsibility for their own role in the dysfunctional dynamic.
- The responsibility of the “ target” is to communicate his/her perception of the situation and follow through as required . Failure to do this can mean staying stuck in a negative position, which is tantamount to handing over personal power to both the bully and the organisation.
- The responsibility of the bully is to change his/her behaviour and communication style to acceptable norms.
- The responsibility of the organisation is to ensure that it is carried out.
What would I suggest to anyone who feels that they are being bullied?
- Research corporate and sector guidelines. Most countries have no legislation to deal with bullying, although that is changing. Benchmark your experience against those checklists.
- Seek professional help early in the process. This is good investment. You are experiencing a trauma! If you were suffering a wound to your leg, would you try and treat it yourself? No! You’d see a doctor!
- Work on strategies to self advocate and heal. Focus on becoming “unstuck” and taking responsibility for retreiving your own position .
- In tandem set up an audit trail of abusive treatment. Document and note each incident. This will be useful in any internal inquires or even eventual legal action.
- Find a mentor. Someone who can support and validate you professionally.
Letting go
Walking away from a bad experience maybe sufficient for some to heal and I agree that in a number of instances, “letting go” will do it. However, the individuals who seemed be in the best place, were the very few who had found the courage to challenge the bully in a constructive and strategic way, as well as tenaciously dealing with the organisations where the bullying had occurred, even to the point of legal action.
Public awareness
This is not about revenge, although I’m sure for some individuals that might play a satisfying part. Stepping up in this way is also about contributing to the cultural change of what is acceptable workplace behaviour. It will raise public awareness to prevent the same thing happening to others. This transparency also obliges organisations to enforce (rather than pay lip service to) workplace protocols instead of intervening only when the bottom line is negatively impacted. Think of the significant advances that have happened over the last 40 years in the areas of discrimination against women, minorities or the physically impaired. This has been the cumulative result of individual as well as group action.
Leave a legacy
So somehow, and easier said than done I know, the targets of bullying need to dig deep to find the courage to step up, not just for their own recovery, but for the protection of our future working environments. To quote Martin Luther King “Justice denied anywhere, diminishes justice everywhere”
That is when personal moving on also leaves a legacy.
Comments
10 comments
Hi Ann – this is a great post and one that resonates. It would have been written about me!
I had a bullying experience and didn’t raise the issue early enough and with hindsight in the right way. I was confused and overwhelmed and only when I had been off with depression for 3 months did I log a formal complaint and see a counsellor on the insistence of my doctor who had prescribed anti-depressants.
The bully, a woman, was horrrifed when confronted and actually left the meeting in tears. I was accused afterwards of being unstable and vindictive because I was ” sick” and couldn’t cope with the workload. I hadn’t keep an incident record as Dorothy suggests. There was no real mediation in the conflict from HR and eventually I left publishing and corporate life which I loved to work freelance.
I am still sad and a little angry even 13 years later, so not totally moved on. The bully went onto bully other people, including men before she was finally let go.
Understanding what is going on early in the process is really important – and I would suggest to anyone , trust your instincts and if something doesn’t feel right – get professional help as soon as you feel uncomfortable and seek out a mentor.
If you don’t need it so much the better.
Thanks for your insights, Dorothy.
Re: Constructive Communication. In addition to all your useful suggestions and digging deep to find the courage to step up, I would also recommend to acquire some useful techniques in expressing yourself in an effective manner:
Quote: “The most powerful word in the language is also potentially the most destructive, and for most people the most difficult to say. Yet when we know how to use it correctly, it has the power to profoundly transform our lives. That word is “No”.
“The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury provides a simple, proven five-step solution to this everyday dilemma. It offers an innovative framework that will help you use the constructive power of “No” in a way that is positive, powerful and productive, not destructive. Unquote
In an office environment especially, it is a balancing act to resist the bully effectively and yet not to harm the professional work relationship. The above book provides very helpful tools to navigate through these types of situations with diplomacy.
Hi Christi
I’m glad that you found Dorothy’s post helpful and resonant for you. It’s so difficult when you’re in the midst of the problem to be able to see what’s going on.
Thank you for your advice about understanding what’s going on as soon as you can, and ‘Recover your Balance contains a chapter on just that.
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your insights.
Ann
Hi Sacha
Thanks so much for your comments and recommendation of William Ury’s book – we’re always looking out for new resources for people.
I do so agree about the power of ‘no’ and at the same time understand how difficult it can be in the heat of the moment.
Ann
Hi Sacha – “The Power of a Positive No ” is great resource . Thanks for reminding us.
“No” . can certainly be a great friend to all of us, it’s in the same camp as attentive listening ( “help me understand …” and other strategies which diffuse bullying tactics .
Constructive communication in the workplace is always a challenge as Ann says, especially in stressful circumstances. That’s one book for our desk drawers!
Hi Christi – thanks for sharing your experience. I think that is one message that came across very strongly with all the targets of bullying who contacted me. The disbelief, the uncertainty, the confusion, the hurt, the shame, to the point where depression kicks in.
There are lots of reasons why different people have varying tolerance levels of abusive or inappropriate behaviour.
If anyone has any doubts at all if an experience is inappropriate, benchmark what is going on. Don’t keep it to yourself. Look at the workplace handbook, ask colleagues, friends, family -what do they say?
It’s like having stomach pain – the first time you think you may have eaten something or have a bug -if it continues you check it out -on line maybe, then with a health centre nurse and eventually a doctor. This is no different. If enough people say – that’s not good – listen to them.
You are leaving your legacy by contributing to this post.
THANK you!
Hi Ann/ Dorothy
Great post. I worked in a department which was headed up by a bully. He intimidated all of us and one by one we all left. HR and senior management knew what he was like and even though we all complained they said he’s “just like that – we have to work around it” because he got great results.
It was only when the top KAM went to a competitor, taking all his business with him, did things change and the bully was demoted.
It seems that the legacy that corporations understand best is the economic one! Until that changes we all just have to keep chipping away.
Hi Ben
Many thanks for your comment. As you say, it’s often the economic legacy that prompts action, but it saddens me that organisations don’t count the cost of replacing employees lost due to the actions of bullies. If the attrition costs were subtracted from the ‘great results’, I wonder whether they would be so great?
You’ve helped by bringing that hidden cost into focus. Thank you, and yes, keep chipping away.
I worked as an English teacher at a charter school where one of the English teachers was a total bully. She was grossly insecure and threw herself at the feet of each and every authority figure in order to manipulate them in to giving her some breadcrumbs of pseudo authority.
They, sure enough, did just that. She was given this nebulous title: “English teacher leader,” where she’d be the head of our department. But it was more of a figurehead position. She didn’t have any supervisor credentials or experience. In fact, this was her first year as a teacher! She had taught at a college for two years but had no experience here. She was hired the same day as the three other English teachers, and I think she felt we were a threat to her.
So in addition to just being completely attention-seeking and annoying (she was a non-stop talker, monopolizer of all conversation, busybody), she set out to be everybody’s boss. She was telling everybody what to do, e-mailing everybody. She zeroed in on the teacher aides and the teacher substitutes (I guess she figured they’d be easy to bully) and she insisted they meet with her individually.
She then insisted that each English teacher meet individually with her to write their lesson plans. Who was this crazy lady? Our lessons were logged online so that the higher ups could log on and see which teachers posted their week’s lesson plans. This lady kept insisting we put her name on our lesson plans, simply because she insisted on a meeting with us and offered some suggestions! She wanted the bosses to see her name all over the online system, as if she were “Super Teacher.”
She started watching my class and emailing me condescending notes about what she happened to see while walking by my room. Remember, she was not my boss!
I then heard from another teacher that she was telling people she was “going to get” me this year. She saw me near some students during a school assembly and walked over to me and pushed a clipboard in to me and said, “Take notes.” This was to convey to the students that she was my boss. Which, of course, she was not. She was just some strange bird with delusions of grandeur and a pathological need to control and order everyone.
So she’d walk by my room and stare me down as she walked by or she’d say some passive aggressive perky comment which in actuality was bullying, condescending and hurtful. Finally, she barged into my room one day and rudely told me I was wrong for letting kids out 2 minutes early. It was NONE of her business!
So I had it out right there and told her off good. We wound up in the founder’s office and I was astonished that he went to bat for me right in front of her. He actually said, “Well, I don’t think she’s a bully, but she’s a pain in the ass.” I told him to Google Pepperdine University and Workplace bully and see the report they did. The characteristics of the bully describe this lady to a tee.
At the core of her bullying was her intense insecurity and jealousy with me. I had more experience than she and I was being praised by the higher ups for increasing the test scores of the juniors. She was so jealous that she kept her head down when everyone applauded. The next meeting somebody mentioned the raised test scores again (only my students took the test) and she took her hand and patted her OWN back while others applauded me.
The principal asked me to speak in front of the school once during our morning community circle, where all students meet in the gym, and while I was speaking I felt somebody right behind me. She couldn’t stand that I had the microphone and was the center of attention. She had to upstage me and make it look as if I was her underling as I spoke. I confronted her right there and with humor sarcastically asked, “Can I HELP you?” She said she had an announcement. When I finished her announcement was nothing that already wasn’t mentioned over the loudspeakers: “Don’t bring any phones while testing this week.” It was just her pathetic gesture to have to get the last word and upstage me.
She did on other occasions some similar things.
So I’m glad to have read this blog of yours. In retrospect, I realize I should have confronted her right away. But it’s not always that easy. It starts slowly and at first you feel you’re overacting. Then you get scared that if you “make waves” you will be looked at as a problem and let go. The job was new and it would have been no problem for them to get rid of a teacher and hire another one. I was paid very well and I did not want to jeopardize that. So I quietly endured, politely endured.
And that is my problem. I have to learn to stop being polite, agreeable and well-liked. I have a good reputation wherever I go, but I think assertiveness needs to be practiced. I should have spoken up sooner.
But, to my credit, the others in the department, who were just as revolted with her, did not want to speak up either. We were working for a founder with a volatile reputation and we did not want to be viewed as people rocking the boat.
So the bully sensed this, I’m sure, and continued bullying whomever she could. She looked to run everything and everyone.
Well the school closed last year by our governor, and a year later I should just get over this. But I still feel angry at how she treated me.
She couldn’t stand me and targeted me for abuse. She would bully in vicarious ways, like calling another teacher who she knew was my good friend, and cryptically mention/threaten that there was “somebody” on staff who was being negative and this somebody was going to be reported to the bosses.
She also gave him a book to read that would “help him” because as she says “everyone thinks male English teachers are gay.” This was a vicarious dig to me because I am gay and I was not out with it, but I guess at my age, not being married too, it was suspect. She knew the gay thing would get back to me through him.
She also sabotaged an act five teachers did for a talent show. We were all in a line, like a chorus line. We were to one by one step forward and sing a line and step back. By the end of the line we were all to be standing in a chorus line with our hands to our side. Rap music was then to start playing and simultaneously we were then to start doing this funny dance, The D-Mac.
Well she was on the end of the line with the last line to sing and instead of stepping two steps forward, she crossed to the middle of the stage and then walked straight down to the audience, at the edge of the stage, front and center! She sang her line and instead of immediately going back to her spot to put her hands at her side and wait for the music, she immediately threw her arms in the air and posed in this dramatic stance that could only milk the audience for applause.
We were standing behind her in a chorus line with egg on our faces, not knowing what she was doing. She then started doing The D Mac before us. All to make herself the center of attention and the leader.
She was a very disturbed individual who had a ferocious need to control and lead. If she could not control or lead she would hide out.
Working with her for two years was a constant struggle to not be obliterated by her maniacal maneuvers for dominance and control and leadership.
I was very angry and I was mad at myself for not saying something to her sooner. She had no boundaries and I think I should have set boundaries.
You live and you learn. I will not, will not, will not EVER let something like this happen again. Should I ever have the misfortune of experiencing this again, I will assert myself early on and say in a professional tone, or more easily in a nice yet firm email, that I need the following requests because I’m feeling suffocated or bullied and these things that you’re doing are not helping anybody. If you have a problem with accepting any of these terms we can talk to the bosses about it.”
I am so very mad at her still and I’m mad at myself. I still have her email and I’ve been thinking of telling her off in an email. But that won’t help to let it go. She’ll just answer that email, etc.
I just want to be free of the anger. I can’t describe how much I hate that person. I really do. I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t believe I’ve ever loathed anybody in my life anywhere like I loathe this person.
Confront these bullies EARLY ON. You’re not helping yourself if you think it will take care of itself. No. It only gets worse.
Hi Jim
First of all, thank you for sharing your experience. You’ve clearly had a very unpleasant time, and unfortunately your experience is not uncommon. I absolutely agree that it’s important to tackle bullying early on if possible, but you know from experience that it isn’t always easy. So I invite you to give yourself a break for not having done so, and to learn as much as you can for next time.
I’d like to offer two responses – one in the form of some resources that might help put things into perspective, and the other in the form of a centring technique from my colleague Mark Walsh, tht clients have found helpful when faced with such issues in the moment.
First, then, a couple of books that are top of my list in respect of bullying at work. Both are available on Amazon. The first is ‘The Bully at Work’ by Gary Namie PhD and Ruth Namie PhD. It’s a really good all-round study and practical guide to understanding and guarding yourself against bullying. It encourages you to think of yourself as a target, not as a victim, because victimhood can prevent your taking responsibility for your own response, giving your personal power to the bully. The second is ‘Verbal Self-Defense in the Workplace’ by Dr Daniel Scott. This book is rooted in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and helps you to get throughly in touch with how bullying is pushing your buttons so that you can respond from a place of strength and balance. And of course, my own book, ‘Recover Your Balance – how to bounce back from bad times at work’ is also aimed at helping you understand and recover from bullying.
Now for centring. I’ll start by mentioning that I had a very minor experience this morning that felt like bullyiing and pushed the same buttons. It has served to remind me, as I respond to you, how quickly we can be pushed off balance. Once we are off balance, it’s almost impossible to respond in the way we would like – what comes out is our discomfort. So our first aim is to find a place of balance as quickly as possible, and to use it often enough that it becomes a new habit.
I wrote about centring in my latest blog post, ‘remembering to breathe’, so it’s close to the front of my mind. I invite you to have a look at the post, and follow the links through to my colleague Mark Walsh’s blog. Mark’s extremely useful centring technique will help you quickly find balance when you’ve been pushed over. Mark says “I first came across centring in the martial arts – in the pressure of confrontation being uncentred – off-balance and tense physically, mentally and emotionally – is a recipe for disaster. Since then I have taught centring everywhere from war-zones, to classrooms to boardrooms with people of many occupations on five continents.” I really do recommend this technique as a starting point if someone else’s actions have knocked you off balance.
Once again, thank you for sharing. I hope this helps.
Warm regards
Ann
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